Dear Diary
by Sarah LoTuS
Summary: What if Rachel had been able to make a diary entry about the day she died?


I know we've done the diary thing before, but it's such a good literary device, I don't think it will hurt to use it again. I wondered, what if Rachel had been able to make a diary entry on the night she was killed? Lots of big things came up, so I thought I'd try to imagine what she thought about it all.

Dedicated to all the ratfic guys for keeping me so entertained with all your brilliant fics that I barely had the time to write my own.

Disclaimer: This little piece of writing is set in the universe of Sarah. It's virtually the same as   
the universe we see on our TV screens, except for one important difference (I think you can   
guess what it is). Therefore, the characters in it are not the ones owned by Hal McElroy and   
Southern Star. These ones are owned by me.

D'you think that will hold up in court??   


  


Dear Diary   
23/10/1999

Dear Diary,   
Today has been pretty weird. It didn't start very well--I got woken up this morning by my   
mobile phone ringing, so I answered it. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten that Jack was over,   
and that it was actually _his_ mobile, not mine. We got careless. Now _everybody_ knows.   
And of course, everyone had a comment or a joke to make about it.   
I told Jack that last night was the last time. I expected him to argue with me about it, but he just agreed with me. I wasn't expecting that. The guy chases me for months, persisting even after I tell him I'm not interested, now all of a sudden he's _agreeing_ to break it off? I can't figure him out. It _is_ a bad idea, though, I know that. It just would have been nice if he hadn't seemed to give me up so easily, you know?   
This morning's case was a bit of same old-same old. A body found in the harbour. She couldn't have been more than 20. Pretty, too. What's the world coming to, eh? It turned out that she'd had an argument with her boyfriend. He pushed her over, she hit her head, and he thought she was good as dead, so he tried to get rid of the evidence. Not very well endowed in the brains department, but then, not many crims are. Jack got all excited about it, reckoned it must be a record or something. He certainly has pride in his work. Dammit, that reminds me--we never did get around to that 'talk'.   
I don't know why I suggested it, really. Don't know what I'm going to say. Maybe I'm hoping   
he'll do what he's always done before, and keep chasing me. Hang around in the wings until I   
decide I want him again, then just jump when I say so.   
Maybe it's time to bite the bullet. I know the way I treat Jack is pretty lousy, but I can't seem to break the habit. If I keep blundering along the way I am, I'll lose him for good, I know. There's only so much rejection a person will take, and I think Jack's near his limit.   
Reilly got all brotherly on me today. I told him that seeing Suzi Abromovich was dangerous,   
and he brought up me and Jack. Reckoned I was going soft on him. Ha!!   
Why does everybody have something to say about it, anyway? What we do outside of work is   
our business, or at least it should be.   
He brought up Frank, too. That bowled me for a six. I've barely even thought about Frank in   
ages; not as anything more than a distant regret, anyway. Sometimes, I wish Mick hadn't   
interrupted that almost-kiss (who knows what it might have led to?) and sometimes I think it   
was a good thing that he did. I don't think it would have changed anything if I had spent the night with Frank.

I mean, he **_chose_** to leave, and I **_chose_** to stay.

I did love Frank in a way, I think, but we were heading in different directions.   
It's funny to write that, when only a page ago I was saying that about Jack. I do love them both, but in different ways.   
Frank I love in a 'best friend' kind of way. I know he'll always be available if I need him, even   
though he's not around right now, he wouldn't be too hard to find. I always feel safe with him. I think that's the difference.   
Jack's...unpredictable. He scares me because I don't always know what to expect from him. I   
love him because he's so sweet and funny and exciting, but what I love most about him is that   
he's not afraid to upset the status quo. Actually, that's also what scares me most about him, too. And he's always there for me. He didn't sail away into the sunset and leave me here on my own.

I should tell him.

I'll tell him tomorrow.

~~c'est finis

Lousy first attempt, or a good start? Please send feedback (or constructive criticism) to [lotus@primus.com.au][1]

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